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" Lovers of audio books learn to live with compromise. "

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" The humor section is the last place an author wants to be. They put your stuff next to collections of Cathy cartoons. "

" But I don't distinguish between being laughed with, and laughed at. I'll take either. "

" People ask if I miss it, but they don't understand that American culture is so ubiquitous that there's nothing to miss. I don't see myself moving back. It's not that I hate the United States. I just always thought it would be a shame not to live in a foreign country. "

" What other people call dark and despairing, I call funny. "

" I haven't got the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out. "

" I love getting attention, just like a child loves it, and it's never worn off. So when people say, oh the book signings go on, why would I shoo away someone who's giving me attention? What part of standing in line for 10 hours to say how much they love you is bad to you? "

" I sometimes read books on my iPad. "

" I like books on tape, and will listen to just about anything. "

" When you read comic material and people aren't laughing how do you know they're listening. "

" As a foreigner in London, I like that there are so many other foreigners. "

" I like listening to books as well, as that way you can iron at the same time. "

" My sister Tiffany told me years ago, 'You can never write about me.' Then she called six months ago and said she wanted to be in a story. She was worried people thought I didn't like her. "

" I went from having 50 listeners to 50 million listeners. "

" I like nonfiction books about people with wretched lives. "

" But I'm a humorist. I'm not a reporter, I never pretended to be a reporter. "

" I go to the movies at least five times a week, and after a while everything becomes a blur to me. "

" Also, I used to think that one day I might get someone to iron my shirts, but the truth is I really like doing them myself. "

" I tend to show everything I do to my family, to check they won't be offended. "

" My family isn't really all that different from anyone else's. Well, maybe they're a bit more entertaining. "

" After a few months in my parents' basement, I took an apartment near the state university, where I discovered both crystal methamphetamine and conceptual art. Either one of these things are dangerous, but in combination they have the potential to destroy entire civilizations. "

" I like to reserve the right to write about whatever I like. "

" If you read somebody's diary, you get what you deserve. "

" To say that a humorist exaggerates to get big laughs, I don't see how that's big news. "

" People ask me, 'Have you ever considered doing stand-up?' To me it would be less offensive if someone asked me, 'Have you ever considered dental implants?' "

" I'm not a reporter but the 'New Yorker' treats everyone like a reporter. "

" I love 'Glee.' I cry all the time when I watch 'Glee' because I don't know if it's satire or melodrama and that makes me feel like the writing is aware of itself, and that makes it okay to cry. "

" I felt uncomfortable calling myself a writer until I started with 'The New Yorker,' and then I was like, 'Okay, now you can call yourself that.' "

" I love things made out of animals. It's just so funny to think of someone saying, 'I need a letter opener. I guess I'll have to kill a deer. "

" But most good movies have a gun in them. "

" I always think it's a good policy to like the people who like you. "