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" But I don't distinguish between being laughed with, and laughed at. I'll take either. "

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" I like books on tape, and will listen to just about anything. "

" I love getting attention, just like a child loves it, and it's never worn off. So when people say, oh the book signings go on, why would I shoo away someone who's giving me attention? What part of standing in line for 10 hours to say how much they love you is bad to you? "

" I like nonfiction books about people with wretched lives. "

" I sometimes read books on my iPad. "

" I like listening to books as well, as that way you can iron at the same time. "

" People ask me, 'Have you ever considered doing stand-up?' To me it would be less offensive if someone asked me, 'Have you ever considered dental implants?' "

" I go to the movies at least five times a week, and after a while everything becomes a blur to me. "

" But I'm a humorist. I'm not a reporter, I never pretended to be a reporter. "

" I think it's important to take chances. "

" The humor section is the last place an author wants to be. They put your stuff next to collections of Cathy cartoons. "

" I've been keeping a diary for thirty-three years and write in it every morning. Most of it's just whining, but every so often there'll be something I can use later: a joke, a description, a quote. It's an invaluable aid when it comes to winning arguments. 'That's not what you said on February 3, 1996,' I'll say to someone. "

" I started writing one afternoon when I was twenty, and ever since then I have written every day. At first I had to force myself. Then it became part of my identity, and I did it without thinking. "

" I've always been very upfront about the way I write, and I've always used the tools humorists use, such as exaggeration. "

" But most good movies have a gun in them. "

" After a few months in my parents' basement, I took an apartment near the state university, where I discovered both crystal methamphetamine and conceptual art. Either one of these things are dangerous, but in combination they have the potential to destroy entire civilizations. "

" I always knew I wanted it to be illustrated. "

" Lovers of audio books learn to live with compromise. "

" Do I exaggerate? Boy, do I, and I'd do it more if I could get away with it. "

" Sometimes with 'The New Yorker,' they have grammar rules that just don't feel right in my mouth. "

" I like to reserve the right to write about whatever I like. "

" I haven't got the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out. "

" I felt uncomfortable calling myself a writer until I started with 'The New Yorker,' and then I was like, 'Okay, now you can call yourself that.' "

" Because I've always been a fairly nervous person. "

" I meet people at book signings. My record now, for signing, is ten and a half hours in one sitting. "

" When you read comic material and people aren't laughing how do you know they're listening. "

" I tend to show everything I do to my family, to check they won't be offended. "

" I love 'Glee.' I cry all the time when I watch 'Glee' because I don't know if it's satire or melodrama and that makes me feel like the writing is aware of itself, and that makes it okay to cry. "

" I love things made out of animals. It's just so funny to think of someone saying, 'I need a letter opener. I guess I'll have to kill a deer. "

" They were nothing like the French people I had imagined. If anything, they were too kind, too generous and too knowledgable in the fields of plumbing and electricity. "

" What other people call dark and despairing, I call funny. "