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" There are lots of things that happen to me that I don't write about. "

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" I like books on tape, and will listen to just about anything. "

" But I don't distinguish between being laughed with, and laughed at. I'll take either. "

" I love getting attention, just like a child loves it, and it's never worn off. So when people say, oh the book signings go on, why would I shoo away someone who's giving me attention? What part of standing in line for 10 hours to say how much they love you is bad to you? "

" The only real advice you can give anyone is to keep writing. "

" The humor section is the last place an author wants to be. They put your stuff next to collections of Cathy cartoons. "

" I sometimes read books on my iPad. "

" After a few months in my parents' basement, I took an apartment near the state university, where I discovered both crystal methamphetamine and conceptual art. Either one of these things are dangerous, but in combination they have the potential to destroy entire civilizations. "

" What other people call dark and despairing, I call funny. "

" It's odd the things that people remember. Parents will arrange a birthday party, certain it will stick in your mind forever. You'll have a nice time, then two years later you'll be like, 'There was a pony there? Really? And a clown with one leg?' "

" I love 'Glee.' I cry all the time when I watch 'Glee' because I don't know if it's satire or melodrama and that makes me feel like the writing is aware of itself, and that makes it okay to cry. "

" Actually I liked that 'Let the Right One In,' that Swedish vampire movie. "

" I always think it's a good policy to like the people who like you. "

" I cry all the time when I watch 'Glee' because I don't know if it's satire or melodrama and that makes me feel like the writing is aware of itself, and that makes it OK to cry. "

" I started writing one afternoon when I was twenty, and ever since then I have written every day. At first I had to force myself. Then it became part of my identity, and I did it without thinking. "

" I don't like being left to my own thoughts. "

" If you read somebody's diary, you get what you deserve. "

" As a foreigner in London, I like that there are so many other foreigners. "

" I like to reserve the right to write about whatever I like. "

" I think it's important to take chances. "

" I felt uncomfortable calling myself a writer until I started with 'The New Yorker,' and then I was like, 'Okay, now you can call yourself that.' "

" Sometimes with 'The New Yorker,' they have grammar rules that just don't feel right in my mouth. "

" I like nonfiction books about people with wretched lives. "

" Also, I used to think that one day I might get someone to iron my shirts, but the truth is I really like doing them myself. "

" I meet people at book signings. My record now, for signing, is ten and a half hours in one sitting. "

" Do I exaggerate? Boy, do I, and I'd do it more if I could get away with it. "

" I haven't got the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out. "

" My family isn't really all that different from anyone else's. Well, maybe they're a bit more entertaining. "

" If I'm riding my bike I just replay the same scenarios over and over in my head, like I haven't had a new mental adventure since high school. So that's what I like about books on tape, so my mind can't wander anywhere. "

" They were nothing like the French people I had imagined. If anything, they were too kind, too generous and too knowledgable in the fields of plumbing and electricity. "

" To say that a humorist exaggerates to get big laughs, I don't see how that's big news. "