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" Because I've always been a fairly nervous person. "

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" I love 'Glee.' "

" When I look at a lot of older stuff that I've written, I think one sign of amateur humor writing is when you see people trying too hard. "

" It's odd the things that people remember. Parents will arrange a birthday party, certain it will stick in your mind forever. You'll have a nice time, then two years later you'll be like, 'There was a pony there? Really? And a clown with one leg?' "

" My sister Tiffany told me years ago, 'You can never write about me.' Then she called six months ago and said she wanted to be in a story. She was worried people thought I didn't like her. "

" Lovers of audio books learn to live with compromise. "

" I felt uncomfortable calling myself a writer until I started with 'The New Yorker,' and then I was like, 'Okay, now you can call yourself that.' "

" I like books on tape, and will listen to just about anything. "

" I started writing one afternoon when I was twenty, and ever since then I have written every day. At first I had to force myself. Then it became part of my identity, and I did it without thinking. "

" They were nothing like the French people I had imagined. If anything, they were too kind, too generous and too knowledgable in the fields of plumbing and electricity. "

" Also, I used to think that one day I might get someone to iron my shirts, but the truth is I really like doing them myself. "

" I just enjoy lying on the couch and reading a magazine. "

" I cry all the time when I watch 'Glee' because I don't know if it's satire or melodrama and that makes me feel like the writing is aware of itself, and that makes it OK to cry. "

" I love getting attention, just like a child loves it, and it's never worn off. So when people say, oh the book signings go on, why would I shoo away someone who's giving me attention? What part of standing in line for 10 hours to say how much they love you is bad to you? "

" People ask me, 'Have you ever considered doing stand-up?' To me it would be less offensive if someone asked me, 'Have you ever considered dental implants?' "

" If you read somebody's diary, you get what you deserve. "

" I meet people at book signings. My record now, for signing, is ten and a half hours in one sitting. "

" I tend to show everything I do to my family, to check they won't be offended. "

" I don't like being left to my own thoughts. "

" I've been keeping a diary for thirty-three years and write in it every morning. Most of it's just whining, but every so often there'll be something I can use later: a joke, a description, a quote. It's an invaluable aid when it comes to winning arguments. 'That's not what you said on February 3, 1996,' I'll say to someone. "

" I've been keeping diaries for 27 years. "

" The only real advice you can give anyone is to keep writing. "

" Sometimes I say to myself, 'Oh, I wish I could win a Tony Award', although I'm not that bothered. "

" My family isn't really all that different from anyone else's. Well, maybe they're a bit more entertaining. "

" Do I exaggerate? Boy, do I, and I'd do it more if I could get away with it. "

" No one writes dialect better than Flannery O'Connor. No one should even try. "

" I like to reserve the right to write about whatever I like. "

" As a foreigner in London, I like that there are so many other foreigners. "

" I've always been very upfront about the way I write, and I've always used the tools humorists use, such as exaggeration. "

" Actually I liked that 'Let the Right One In,' that Swedish vampire movie. "

" I went from having 50 listeners to 50 million listeners. "