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" If you read somebody's diary, you get what you deserve. "

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" As a foreigner in London, I like that there are so many other foreigners. "

" I guess my guilty pleasure would be listening to the British audio versions of the 'Harry Potter' books. "

" I like listening to books as well, as that way you can iron at the same time. "

" I felt uncomfortable calling myself a writer until I started with 'The New Yorker,' and then I was like, 'Okay, now you can call yourself that.' "

" I started writing when I was twenty, and my first book came out seventeen years later. "

" Because I've always been a fairly nervous person. "

" I started writing one afternoon when I was twenty, and ever since then I have written every day. At first I had to force myself. Then it became part of my identity, and I did it without thinking. "

" What other people call dark and despairing, I call funny. "

" To say that a humorist exaggerates to get big laughs, I don't see how that's big news. "

" But I don't distinguish between being laughed with, and laughed at. I'll take either. "

" I like nonfiction books about people with wretched lives. "

" I've always been very upfront about the way I write, and I've always used the tools humorists use, such as exaggeration. "

" After a few months in my parents' basement, I took an apartment near the state university, where I discovered both crystal methamphetamine and conceptual art. Either one of these things are dangerous, but in combination they have the potential to destroy entire civilizations. "

" I love 'Glee.' I cry all the time when I watch 'Glee' because I don't know if it's satire or melodrama and that makes me feel like the writing is aware of itself, and that makes it okay to cry. "

" Lovers of audio books learn to live with compromise. "

" The humor section is the last place an author wants to be. They put your stuff next to collections of Cathy cartoons. "

" If I'm riding my bike I just replay the same scenarios over and over in my head, like I haven't had a new mental adventure since high school. So that's what I like about books on tape, so my mind can't wander anywhere. "

" But I'm a humorist. I'm not a reporter, I never pretended to be a reporter. "

" I love things made out of animals. It's just so funny to think of someone saying, 'I need a letter opener. I guess I'll have to kill a deer. "

" I always knew I wanted it to be illustrated. "

" I always think it's a good policy to like the people who like you. "

" I've never gone on Facebook and am not sure I understand it. The same goes for Twitter. I have someone sending tweets and pretending to be me, but I don't know why. "

" I love getting attention, just like a child loves it, and it's never worn off. So when people say, oh the book signings go on, why would I shoo away someone who's giving me attention? What part of standing in line for 10 hours to say how much they love you is bad to you? "

" I've been keeping diaries for 27 years. "

" When I look at a lot of older stuff that I've written, I think one sign of amateur humor writing is when you see people trying too hard. "

" I like to reserve the right to write about whatever I like. "

" I think it's important to take chances. "

" Also, I used to think that one day I might get someone to iron my shirts, but the truth is I really like doing them myself. "

" I don't have email. "

" I sometimes read books on my iPad. "