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" Also, I used to think that one day I might get someone to iron my shirts, but the truth is I really like doing them myself. "
" I think it's important to take chances. "
" I haven't got the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out. "
" I went from having 50 listeners to 50 million listeners. "
" What other people call dark and despairing, I call funny. "
" It's odd the things that people remember. Parents will arrange a birthday party, certain it will stick in your mind forever. You'll have a nice time, then two years later you'll be like, 'There was a pony there? Really? And a clown with one leg?' "
" I just think that the people who say: 'That's not true' when someone tells a story at dinner are the people who didn't get any laughs when they told their story. "
" I don't like being left to my own thoughts. "
" I don't have email. "
" I just enjoy lying on the couch and reading a magazine. "
" I like to reserve the right to write about whatever I like. "
" People ask me, 'Have you ever considered doing stand-up?' To me it would be less offensive if someone asked me, 'Have you ever considered dental implants?' "
" Sometimes I say to myself, 'Oh, I wish I could win a Tony Award', although I'm not that bothered. "
" I love things made out of animals. It's just so funny to think of someone saying, 'I need a letter opener. I guess I'll have to kill a deer. "
" I've been keeping diaries for 27 years. "
" I meet people at book signings. My record now, for signing, is ten and a half hours in one sitting. "
" I felt uncomfortable calling myself a writer until I started with 'The New Yorker,' and then I was like, 'Okay, now you can call yourself that.' "
" Sometimes with 'The New Yorker,' they have grammar rules that just don't feel right in my mouth. "
" I cry all the time when I watch 'Glee' because I don't know if it's satire or melodrama and that makes me feel like the writing is aware of itself, and that makes it OK to cry. "
" My family isn't really all that different from anyone else's. Well, maybe they're a bit more entertaining. "
" People ask if I miss it, but they don't understand that American culture is so ubiquitous that there's nothing to miss. I don't see myself moving back. It's not that I hate the United States. I just always thought it would be a shame not to live in a foreign country. "
" I love 'Glee.' I cry all the time when I watch 'Glee' because I don't know if it's satire or melodrama and that makes me feel like the writing is aware of itself, and that makes it okay to cry. "
" I like listening to books as well, as that way you can iron at the same time. "
" But I'm a humorist. I'm not a reporter, I never pretended to be a reporter. "
" I started writing when I was twenty, and my first book came out seventeen years later. "
" I love 'Glee.' "
" I always think it's a good policy to like the people who like you. "
" When I look at a lot of older stuff that I've written, I think one sign of amateur humor writing is when you see people trying too hard. "
" No one writes dialect better than Flannery O'Connor. No one should even try. "
" To say that a humorist exaggerates to get big laughs, I don't see how that's big news. "
" I started writing one afternoon when I was twenty, and ever since then I have written every day. At first I had to force myself. Then it became part of my identity, and I did it without thinking. "