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" Also, I used to think that one day I might get someone to iron my shirts, but the truth is I really like doing them myself. "
David Sedaris
Truth Is
Myself
Think
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" I went from having 50 listeners to 50 million listeners. "
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" What other people call dark and despairing, I call funny. "
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" It's odd the things that people remember. Parents will arrange a birthday party, certain it will stick in your mind forever. You'll have a nice time, then two years later you'll be like, 'There was a pony there? Really? And a clown with one leg?' "
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" I just think that the people who say: 'That's not true' when someone tells a story at dinner are the people who didn't get any laughs when they told their story. "
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" I don't like being left to my own thoughts. "
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" I don't have email. "
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" I just enjoy lying on the couch and reading a magazine. "
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" I like to reserve the right to write about whatever I like. "
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" People ask me, 'Have you ever considered doing stand-up?' To me it would be less offensive if someone asked me, 'Have you ever considered dental implants?' "
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" Sometimes I say to myself, 'Oh, I wish I could win a Tony Award', although I'm not that bothered. "
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Win
Wish
Say
" I love things made out of animals. It's just so funny to think of someone saying, 'I need a letter opener. I guess I'll have to kill a deer. "
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Think
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Animals
" I've been keeping diaries for 27 years. "
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Years
Keeping
Been
" I meet people at book signings. My record now, for signing, is ten and a half hours in one sitting. "
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People
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Meet
" I felt uncomfortable calling myself a writer until I started with 'The New Yorker,' and then I was like, 'Okay, now you can call yourself that.' "
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Myself
Uncomfortable
Yourself
" Sometimes with 'The New Yorker,' they have grammar rules that just don't feel right in my mouth. "
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Feel
Sometimes
Mouth
" I cry all the time when I watch 'Glee' because I don't know if it's satire or melodrama and that makes me feel like the writing is aware of itself, and that makes it OK to cry. "
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Writing
Cry
Time
" My family isn't really all that different from anyone else's. Well, maybe they're a bit more entertaining. "
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Family
" People ask if I miss it, but they don't understand that American culture is so ubiquitous that there's nothing to miss. I don't see myself moving back. It's not that I hate the United States. I just always thought it would be a shame not to live in a foreign country. "
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People
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Hate
" I love 'Glee.' I cry all the time when I watch 'Glee' because I don't know if it's satire or melodrama and that makes me feel like the writing is aware of itself, and that makes it okay to cry. "
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Writing
Feel
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" I like listening to books as well, as that way you can iron at the same time. "
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Like
Iron
Listening
" But I'm a humorist. I'm not a reporter, I never pretended to be a reporter. "
David Sedaris
Humorist
Never
Reporter
" I started writing when I was twenty, and my first book came out seventeen years later. "
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Writing
Started
Years
" I love 'Glee.' "
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Love
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" I always think it's a good policy to like the people who like you. "
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Policy
Good
Always
" When I look at a lot of older stuff that I've written, I think one sign of amateur humor writing is when you see people trying too hard. "
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" No one writes dialect better than Flannery O'Connor. No one should even try. "
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" To say that a humorist exaggerates to get big laughs, I don't see how that's big news. "
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" I started writing one afternoon when I was twenty, and ever since then I have written every day. At first I had to force myself. Then it became part of my identity, and I did it without thinking. "
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