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" Children are the most desirable opponents at scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat. "

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" I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not. "

" I never took hallucinogenic drugs because I never wanted my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota. "

" If you are truly serious abut preparing your child for the future, don't teach him to subtract teach him to deduct. "

" Calling a taxi in Texas is like calling a rabbi in Iraq. "

" Contrary to popular opinion, the hustle is not a new dance step - it is an old business procedure. "

" Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep. "

" To put it rather bluntly, I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel. "

" If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater suggest that he wear a tail. "

" My desire to curtail undue freedom of speech extends only to such public areas as restaurants, airports, streets, hotel lobbies, parks, and department stores. Verbal exchanges between consenting adults in private are as of little interest to me as they probably are to them. "

Freedom Of Speech

" All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable. "

" Very few people possess true artistic ability. It is therefore both unseemly and unproductive to irritate the situation by making an effort. If you have a burning, restless urge to write or paint, simply eat something sweet and the feeling will pass. "

" Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat. "

" Humility is no substitute for a good personality. "

" Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable. "

" Scientists - the crowd that for dash and style make the general public look like the Bloomsbury set. "

" Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs. "

" Your life story would not make a good book. Don't even try. "

" Romantic love is mental illness. But it's a pleasurable one. It's a drug. It distorts reality, and that's the point of it. It would be impossible to fall in love with someone that you really saw. "

" In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra. "

" Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born to people you could not have possibly met. "

" Andy Warhol made fame more famous. "

" Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying. "

" My favorite animal is steak. "

" Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky. "

" Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra. "

" Designer clothes worn by children are like snowsuits worn by adults. Few can carry it off successfully. "

" In the Soviet Union, capitalism triumphed over communism. In this country, capitalism triumphed over democracy. "

" When you leave New York, you are astonished at how clean the rest of the world is. Clean is not enough. "

" Nothing succeeds like address. "

" The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting. "