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" There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out. "

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" While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake. "

" What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. "

" My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City? "

" She has a wash and wear bridal gown. "

" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. "

" This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest. "

" When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays. "

" A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student. "

" She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face. "

" Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering. "

" This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated! "

" I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car. "

" When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say. "

" I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. "

" My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. "

" This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number. "

" You look like a talent scout for a cemetery. "

" Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it. "

" Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport. "

" My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself. "

" If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. "

" The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip. "

" You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. "

" You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready. "

" I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him. "

" If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope. "

" If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas. "

" My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash. "

" I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays. "

" You have a nice personality, but not for a human being. "