Get QuoteDark Inspirational Quotes App
" You look like a talent scout for a cemetery. "
" The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. "
" When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say. "
" That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position! "
" A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student. "
" Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous. "
" What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. "
" Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means. "
" While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake. "
" The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip. "
" Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering. "
" Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport. "
" My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself. "
" When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. "
" This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated! "
" There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out. "
" Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it. "
" I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him. "
" I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays. "
" I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. "
" Take my wife... Please! "
" She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face. "
" My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. "
" You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready. "
" Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to. "
" I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car. "
" I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet. "
" If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. "
" If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving. "
" I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock. "
" I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me. "