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" You look like a talent scout for a cemetery. "
Henny Youngman
Cemetery
Like
Talent
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" She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match. "
Henny Youngman
Hips
Match
She
" This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated! "
Henny Youngman
Dog
Go
Graduation
" Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means. "
Henny Youngman
Marriage
Love
Know
" If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope. "
Henny Youngman
She
Mother
Selling
" Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it. "
Henny Youngman
Worth
Jewish
Much
" Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous. "
Henny Youngman
Two
She
Those
" A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months. "
Henny Youngman
Months
Pay
Man
" A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well. "
Henny Youngman
Sick
Soup
Woman
" When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. "
Henny Youngman
Up
Read
Gave
" When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays. "
Henny Youngman
Medical
He
Doctor
" I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him. "
Henny Youngman
Horse
Took
Him
" How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.' "
Henny Youngman
Page
Crazy
Him
" My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash. "
Henny Youngman
Lifeguard
Car
Brother
" My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. "
Henny Youngman
Way
Cooks
Dresses
" While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake. "
Henny Youngman
Playing
Good
Golf
" If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. "
Henny Youngman
Tomorrow
Sorry
Morning
" You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready. "
Henny Youngman
Ready
Me
Tell
" She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face. "
Henny Youngman
Been
Face
Her
" A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student. "
Henny Youngman
Poor
Man
Student
" Take my wife... Please! "
Henny Youngman
Please
Wife
Take
" I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me. "
Henny Youngman
Anniversary
Woman
Wife
" If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving. "
Henny Youngman
Funny
First
You
" Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport. "
Henny Youngman
Airport
Mother-In-Law
Back
" This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number. "
Henny Youngman
Number
Hotel
Service
" Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering. "
Henny Youngman
Why
Suffering
Drink
" You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. "
Henny Youngman
Love
Pay
Buy
" That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position! "
Henny Youngman
Time
Start
Position
" There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out. "
Henny Youngman
Her
Room
Night
" The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. "
Henny Youngman
Marriage
Happy Marriage
Happy
" When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say. "
Henny Youngman
Funny
Say
God