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" You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready. "
Henny Youngman
Ready
Me
Tell
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" Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means. "
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" She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face. "
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" What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. "
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Buy
You
Use
" This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated! "
Henny Youngman
Dog
Go
Graduation
" I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. "
Henny Youngman
Two
Quit
Places
" If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. "
Henny Youngman
Tomorrow
Sorry
Morning
" My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first! "
Henny Youngman
Tell
Son
You
" Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it. "
Henny Youngman
Worth
Jewish
Much
" If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving. "
Henny Youngman
Funny
First
You
" How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.' "
Henny Youngman
Page
Crazy
Him
" If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope. "
Henny Youngman
She
Mother
Selling
" She has a wash and wear bridal gown. "
Henny Youngman
Wear
Wash
She
" Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to. "
Henny Youngman
Want
Before
Die
" If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas. "
Henny Youngman
Again
You
Your
" I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. "
Henny Youngman
Finding
Back
Wife
" A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months. "
Henny Youngman
Months
Pay
Man
" The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. "
Henny Youngman
Marriage
Happy Marriage
Happy
" This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number. "
Henny Youngman
Number
Hotel
Service
" My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City? "
Henny Youngman
New
New York
Time
" While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake. "
Henny Youngman
Playing
Good
Golf
" This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest. "
Henny Youngman
Women
Chicago
Earnest
" You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. "
Henny Youngman
Love
Pay
Buy
" Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering. "
Henny Youngman
Why
Suffering
Drink
" When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. "
Henny Youngman
Up
Read
Gave
" Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous. "
Henny Youngman
Two
She
Those
" A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well. "
Henny Youngman
Sick
Soup
Woman
" A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student. "
Henny Youngman
Poor
Man
Student
" My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash. "
Henny Youngman
Lifeguard
Car
Brother
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. "
Henny Youngman
Time
Music
Marriage
" When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say. "
Henny Youngman
Funny
Say
God