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" While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake. "
Henny Youngman
Playing
Good
Golf
Related Quotes:
" I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock. "
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Money
Got
Four
" A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student. "
Henny Youngman
Poor
Man
Student
" The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. "
Henny Youngman
Marriage
Happy Marriage
Happy
" Take my wife... Please! "
Henny Youngman
Please
Wife
Take
" What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. "
Henny Youngman
Buy
You
Use
" When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say. "
Henny Youngman
Funny
Say
God
" My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first! "
Henny Youngman
Tell
Son
You
" She has a wash and wear bridal gown. "
Henny Youngman
Wear
Wash
She
" If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving. "
Henny Youngman
Funny
First
You
" I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet. "
Henny Youngman
Time
Afraid
Dead
" You look like a talent scout for a cemetery. "
Henny Youngman
Cemetery
Like
Talent
" I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me. "
Henny Youngman
Anniversary
Woman
Wife
" I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car. "
Henny Youngman
Trash
Pay
Man
" She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face. "
Henny Youngman
Been
Face
Her
" A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well. "
Henny Youngman
Sick
Soup
Woman
" You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready. "
Henny Youngman
Ready
Me
Tell
" This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number. "
Henny Youngman
Number
Hotel
Service
" When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. "
Henny Youngman
Up
Read
Gave
" Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means. "
Henny Youngman
Marriage
Love
Know
" Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it. "
Henny Youngman
Worth
Jewish
Much
" That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position! "
Henny Youngman
Time
Start
Position
" My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself. "
Henny Youngman
Time
Brother-In-Law
Army
" How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.' "
Henny Youngman
Page
Crazy
Him
" Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport. "
Henny Youngman
Airport
Mother-In-Law
Back
" If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. "
Henny Youngman
Tomorrow
Sorry
Morning
" If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope. "
Henny Youngman
She
Mother
Selling
" My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City? "
Henny Youngman
New
New York
Time
" I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. "
Henny Youngman
Two
Quit
Places
" There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out. "
Henny Youngman
Her
Room
Night
" When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays. "
Henny Youngman
Medical
He
Doctor