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" The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept. "

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" Atheism is a non-prophet organization. "

" Weather forecast for tonight: dark. "

" Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. "

" You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar. "

" I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. "

" One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like. "

" The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done. "

" I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories. "

" If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. "

" By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth. "

" I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. "

" I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it. "

" What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on? "

" There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. "

" Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. "

" At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. "

" People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think. "

" I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam. "

" I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood. "

" When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day? "

" Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another. "

" Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town. "

" Electricity is really just organized lightning. "

" The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. "

" When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands. "

" Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. "

" Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they? "

" Think off-center. "

" May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. "

" Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. "