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" The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. "
Henny Youngman
Marriage
Happy Marriage
Happy
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" Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means. "
Henny Youngman
Marriage
Love
Know
" There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out. "
Henny Youngman
Her
Room
Night
" My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City? "
Henny Youngman
New
New York
Time
" I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet. "
Henny Youngman
Time
Afraid
Dead
" You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. "
Henny Youngman
Love
Pay
Buy
" If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope. "
Henny Youngman
She
Mother
Selling
" A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well. "
Henny Youngman
Sick
Soup
Woman
" Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering. "
Henny Youngman
Why
Suffering
Drink
" What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. "
Henny Youngman
Buy
You
Use
" How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.' "
Henny Youngman
Page
Crazy
Him
" My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. "
Henny Youngman
Need
Over
Right
" I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. "
Henny Youngman
Finding
Back
Wife
" I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me. "
Henny Youngman
Anniversary
Woman
Wife
" You have a nice personality, but not for a human being. "
Henny Youngman
Human
Being
You
" My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself. "
Henny Youngman
Time
Brother-In-Law
Army
" Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to. "
Henny Youngman
Want
Before
Die
" My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first! "
Henny Youngman
Tell
Son
You
" The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip. "
Henny Youngman
Trip
Bet
Diary
" If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving. "
Henny Youngman
Funny
First
You
" She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match. "
Henny Youngman
Hips
Match
She
" Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it. "
Henny Youngman
Worth
Jewish
Much
" When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say. "
Henny Youngman
Funny
Say
God
" This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number. "
Henny Youngman
Number
Hotel
Service
" A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student. "
Henny Youngman
Poor
Man
Student
" If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas. "
Henny Youngman
Again
You
Your
" That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position! "
Henny Youngman
Time
Start
Position
" My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. "
Henny Youngman
Way
Cooks
Dresses
" Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous. "
Henny Youngman
Two
She
Those
" You look like a talent scout for a cemetery. "
Henny Youngman
Cemetery
Like
Talent
" Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport. "
Henny Youngman
Airport
Mother-In-Law
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