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" Well, I always think the worst things are going to happen here, because I'm - basically inside, I'm a bad person, and so the bad kind of takes over. "

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" Let's not forget, I got divorced. "

" It has to do - I think - with growing up in an apartment, with my aunt and my cousins right next door to me, with the door open, with neighbors walking in and out, with people yelling at each other all the time. "

" It's not every day that you get to be affectionate around something, it just doesn't happen that often. "

" Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man - there's your diamond in the rough. "

" I have no secrets. "

" It's that I wasn't suited to do the kind of comedy that these people were coming to hear - mainstream comedy. "

" When I was living in New York, there was a lot of screaming in my life. I would just get into these altercations all the time. Being in public, dealing with shopkeepers, just trying to cross the street - things like that. "

" If I was going onstage, of course I would talk about it. How could I not? "

" I don't like to be out of my comfort zone, which is about a half an inch wide. "

" It began to dawn on me that perhaps my country needed me more at home than overseas. "

" Sure, being a reservist wasn't as glamorous, but I was the one who had to look at myself in the mirror. "

" Golf and dating don't mix. "

" I'm still driving a Prius, yeah. "

" I tolerate lactose like I tolerate people. "

" I don't think anyone really is interested in reading about my emotional state. It's not even interesting to me. "

" I don't take on big things. What I do, pretty much, is make the big things small and the small things big. "

" Well, after the divorce, I went home and turned all the lights on! "

" I think that what people imagine they're going through is much worse than what they are going through. "

" Even back then, I exuded self-confidence, and that drives women crazy. "

Self-Confidence

" You have to discover when you're inadequate to be funny and you don't know you're inadequate when you're a kid. "

" I was very fortunate to hook up with Jerry in the first place. The network was already committed to doing something with him, so I skipped a couple of hundred steps right there. "

" I like to be quiet, and let people find me rather than having to shout at them. "

" Anything that's for free, people will take. They don't discriminate. "

" I'm not quite as anonymous as I was. "

" If I tried to flirt with a woman and she didn't know who I was, she would run away. "

" In those days, reserve duty lasted for six years, which, I might add, was three times as long as service in the regular army, although to be perfectly honest, I was unable to fulfill my entire obligation because I was taking acting classes and they said I could skip my last year. "

" You know, I'm really not that bright. "

" Women love a self-confident bald man. "

" The best situation is being a single parent. The best part about is that you get time off, too, because the kids are with their mom, so it's the best of both worlds. There's a lot to be said for it. "

" I was planning on my future as a homeless person. I had a really good spot picked out. "