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" For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball. "

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" In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps. "

" The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins. "

" Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid. "

" Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro. "

" The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire. "

" Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. "

" Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions. "

" It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate. "

" Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes. "

" Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything. "

" Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face. "

" Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. "

" And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West. "

" Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business. "

" Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically. "

" American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it. "

" Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep. "

" Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd. "

" If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word. "

" To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent. "

" Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship. "

" The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice. "

" I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford. "

" Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. "

" The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates. "

" What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death. "

" Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent. "

" We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth. "

" The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species. "

" Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column. "