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" If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry. "

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" Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet. "

" We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin. "

" Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true! "

" Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically. "

" The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example. "

" Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print. "

" We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective. "

" Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. "

" I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care. "

" I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford. "

" People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. "

" For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball. "

" The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl. "

" In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps. "

" You can only be young once. But you can always be immature. "

" What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death. "

" Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. "

" The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery. "

" To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent. "

" Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. "

" The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television. "

" What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers. "

" I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War. "

" Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it. "

" Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. "

" Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd. "

" American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it. "

" The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire. "

" And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West. "

" It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate. "