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" Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent? "

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" The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television. "

" I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories. "

" Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true! "

" To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent. "

" The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice. "

" The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes. "

" What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers. "

" The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting. "

" I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems. "

" People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. "

" Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship. "

" Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro. "

" It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin. "

" Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around. "

" If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.' "

" The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl. "

" I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War. "

" If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry. "

" If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word. "

" We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail. "

" It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money. "

" Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough. "

" Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business. "

" The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number. "

" American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it. "

" The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery. "

" The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition. "

" Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. "

" Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face. "

" I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care. "