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" And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West. "

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" Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship. "

" I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War. "

" The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television. "

" I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories. "

" Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face. "

" We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin. "

" Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down. "

" Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. "

" Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true! "

" To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life. "

" Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid. "

" Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough. "

" It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent. "

" My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible. "

" Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent. "

" Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. "

" Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators. "

" Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes. "

" What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers. "

" Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd. "

" The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter. "

" Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent? "

" The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs. "

" Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. "

" Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it. "

" Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet. "

" The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting. "

" It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money. "

" If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word. "

" Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects. "