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" Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects. "

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" The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins. "

" The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number. "

" In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid. "

" As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula. "

" Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions. "

" If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry. "

" If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word. "

" To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life. "

" The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example. "

" If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.' "

" Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. "

" Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it. "

" Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep. "

" It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin. "

" Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro. "

" The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter. "

" In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps. "

" To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent. "

" It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money. "

" Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down. "

" And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West. "

" The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition. "

" Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent. "

" The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice. "

" The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs. "

" My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible. "

" You can only be young once. But you can always be immature. "

" It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent. "

" I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories. "

" There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary. "