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" Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything. "

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" To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent. "

" The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot. "

" What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death. "

" Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro. "

" Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd. "

" Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet. "

" I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories. "

" In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps. "

" Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling. "

" Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators. "

" We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth. "

" Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically. "

" The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter. "

" Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship. "

" Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. "

" I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford. "

" Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent? "

" The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery. "

" The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes. "

" I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care. "

" The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species. "

" The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire. "

" The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates. "

" If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland. "

" The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl. "

" For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball. "

" The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition. "

" We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective. "

" The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television. "

" Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. "