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" I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War. "

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" Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything. "

" Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column. "

" Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it. "

" The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter. "

" To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life. "

" American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it. "

" Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro. "

" Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. "

" What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers. "

" You can only be young once. But you can always be immature. "

" The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot. "

" People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. "

" I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems. "

" Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face. "

" It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin. "

" We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin. "

" Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd. "

" Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around. "

" If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland. "

" Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid. "

" Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship. "

" If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word. "

" It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate. "

" Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes. "

" I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care. "

" Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. "

" Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions. "

" I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories. "

" The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example. "

" Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent. "