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" Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting. "

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" Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around. "

" You can only be young once. But you can always be immature. "

" The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery. "

" Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face. "

" The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example. "

" Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet. "

" Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true! "

" If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry. "

" The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl. "

" Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. "

" If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word. "

" To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent. "

" Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. "

" Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent? "

" We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail. "

" To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life. "

" And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West. "

" If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.' "

" Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep. "

" Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. "

" There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary. "

" The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins. "

" It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money. "

" Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship. "

" Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it. "

" Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. "

" We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective. "

" Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print. "

" I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War. "

" In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid. "