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" I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones. "

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" I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific. "

" I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it. "

" I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality. "

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" Every book is a children's book if the kid can read! "

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" I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. "

" I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs. "

" When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away. "

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" I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later. "

" A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer. "

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" I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late. "

" Dogs are forever in the push up postion. "

" I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me. "

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" Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus? "

" It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then? "

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" All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me. "