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" A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better. "

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" Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs. "

" Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making. "

" What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement. "

" California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange. "

" I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there. "

" An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer. "

" The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion. "

" I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. "

" A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on. "

" An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match. "

" A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done. "

" Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars. "

" The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference. "

" Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted. "

" Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything. "

" I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap. "

" An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt. "

" Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you. "

" You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart. "

" Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great. "

" Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year. "

" I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back. "

" Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. "

" Imitation is the sincerest form of television. "

" Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners. "

" I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and - I can't remember what the third thing is. "

" A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. "

" It is probably not love that makes the world go around, but rather those mutually supportive alliances through which partners recognize their dependence on each other for the achievement of shared and private goals. "

" An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission. "

" I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement. "