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" Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? "

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" The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept. "

" The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done. "

" If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. "

" Weather forecast for tonight: dark. "

" You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans. "

" One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. "

" Electricity is really just organized lightning. "

" When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent. "

" Atheism is a non-prophet organization. "

" At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. "

" When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day? "

" I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. "

" If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. "

" I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it. "

" The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. "

" Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that. "

" In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first. "

" Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did. "

" Think off-center. "

" Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. "

" I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam. "

" The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. "

" May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. "

" Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another. "

" If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him. "

" Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. "

" One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like. "

" Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. "

" I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories. "

" Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town. "