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" The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference. "
Fred Allen
Exposed
Advertising
Conference
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" During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk. "
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Days
Today
Big
" Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent. "
Fred Allen
Will
Someone
Talent
" Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs. "
Fred Allen
Stars
Church
God
" All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it. "
Fred Allen
Humor
Anything
About
" I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin. "
Fred Allen
Want
Own
Coffin
" You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart. "
Fred Allen
Fruit
Heart
Place
" My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense. "
Fred Allen
Never
Father
Children
" Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. "
Fred Allen
Wild
Church
Failure
" An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer. "
Fred Allen
Will
Guy
Producer
" Committee - a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done. "
Fred Allen
Committee
Done
Group
" Imitation is the sincerest form of television. "
Fred Allen
Form
Sincerest
Imitation
" Television is a medium because anything well done is rare. "
Fred Allen
Technology
Television
Well Done
" I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back. "
Fred Allen
Back
Got
Day
" Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted. "
Fred Allen
Puns
Good
Hanging
" An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match. "
Fred Allen
Actor
Success
Small
" Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great. "
Fred Allen
Great
Bad
Competition
" The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand. "
Fred Allen
Down
Funny
Him
" What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement. "
Fred Allen
Your
Mind
Allow
" Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything. "
Fred Allen
Television
Watch
Who
" The advertising world had space men in it before spacemen existed. "
Fred Allen
Advertising
Before
Space
" I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap. "
Fred Allen
Because
Family
Know
" I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and - I can't remember what the third thing is. "
Fred Allen
Remember
Three
Trouble
" California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange. "
Fred Allen
Live
Funny
Place
" A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary. "
Fred Allen
Group
Appointed
Committee
" I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. "
Fred Allen
People
Like
Long
" I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there. "
Fred Allen
Up
You
Yourself
" The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi. "
Fred Allen
Strikes
First
Paris
" Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars. "
Fred Allen
Mistake
Stars
Place
" A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done. "
Fred Allen
Nothing
Who
Meet
" It is probably not love that makes the world go around, but rather those mutually supportive alliances through which partners recognize their dependence on each other for the achievement of shared and private goals. "
Fred Allen
World
Achievement
Go