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" Hey, I may loathe myself, but it has nothing to do with the fact that I'm Jewish. "

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" I'm one of the idiots that negotiates after I write. "

" The best situation is being a single parent. The best part about is that you get time off, too, because the kids are with their mom, so it's the best of both worlds. There's a lot to be said for it. "

" I'm really only happy when I'm on stage. I just feed off the energy of the audience. That's what I'm all about - people and laughter. "

" I don't write shows with dialogue where actors have to memorize dialogue. I write the scenes where we know everything that's going to happen. There's an outline of about seven or eight pages, and then we improvise it. "

" I tend to stay with the panic. I embrace the panic. "

" Anything that's for free, people will take. They don't discriminate. "

" I don't like people cleaning my room. "

" I wanted to make a living, but I really was not interested in money at all. I was interested in being a great comedian. "

" No, I am a crier and if people ever saw me privately they would be shocked at what a bowl of mush I am underneath it all. "

" If I wasn't a golfer, I would still be miserable - but not as miserable. "

" I think that for the most part, when I started doing comedy, it had become very commercialized. "

" There's nothing that reflects me. I'm unreflectable! "

" Drugs scared me. "

" Every relationship is just so tenuous and precarious. "

" Well, as you know, I'm really only happy when I'm on stage. "

" In those days, reserve duty lasted for six years, which, I might add, was three times as long as service in the regular army, although to be perfectly honest, I was unable to fulfill my entire obligation because I was taking acting classes and they said I could skip my last year. "

" I tolerate lactose like I tolerate people. "

" I'm still driving a Prius, yeah. "

" I think we're all good and bad, but good's not funny. Bad is funny. Suppress the good and let the bad out, and then you can be funny. "

" It's not every day that you get to be affectionate around something, it just doesn't happen that often. "

" The addition of nuts in salad... I always find to be beneficial. "

" I'm surprised sometimes at how some of my actions are misinterpreted. "

" OK, I'm happy. I'm happy. All right? I'm happy. "

" Let's not forget, I got divorced. "

" I still think of that guy I was without a wife or kids, and I still want to entertain that guy. The lonely guy, the frustrated guy, the guy with no money - this is the guy who needs to laugh. "

" I'm not quite as anonymous as I was. "

" Perhaps I have a wider range than I'd given myself credit for. "

" I've led this empty life for over forty years and now I can pass that heritage on and ensure that the misery will continue for at least one more generation. "

" The lunch in a normal American restaurant is very problematic for me. I don't like to have hot food for lunch. "