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" I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up. "

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" I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty. "

" Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. "

" My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something. "

" Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough. "

" I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. "

" A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere. "

" I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt. "

" Marry me and I'll never look at another horse! "

" It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy. "

" I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. "

" No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early. "

" Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you. "

" If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again. "

" One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know. "

" Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies. "

" Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. "

" If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you. "

" I intend to live forever, or die trying. "

" Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution? "

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" Either he's dead or my watch has stopped. "

" She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon. "

" Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him. "

" I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. "

" I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30. "

" I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members. "

" I must confess, I was born at a very early age. "