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" Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution? "

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" I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining. "

" Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife. "

" I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up. "

" I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it. "

" If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you. "

" Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse. "

" Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. "

" Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough. "

" The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths. "

" If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again. "

" I must confess, I was born at a very early age. "

" I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. "

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" Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know. "

" Marry me and I'll never look at another horse! "

" Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse. "

" A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. "

" I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. "

" I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt. "

" No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early. "

" I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. "

" I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members. "

" All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats. "

" Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough. "

" A man's only as old as the woman he feels. "

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" Before I speak, I have something important to say. "

" I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it. "

" Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does. "