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" My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something. "
Groucho Marx
Thirty
Days
You
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" Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him. "
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Man
Own
Women
" There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook. "
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You
Way
Find
" Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough. "
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Enough
Dance
Wives
" Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. "
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Best Friend
Book
Dog
" Either he's dead or my watch has stopped. "
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Either
Dead
He
" No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early. "
Groucho Marx
Time
Before
Boss
" I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members. "
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Club
Me
People
" I intend to live forever, or die trying. "
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Death
Trying
Forever
" I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up. "
Groucho Marx
Like
Up
Then
" Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does. "
Groucho Marx
Write
Book
Half
" Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you. "
Groucho Marx
I See
Time
You
" The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths. "
Groucho Marx
Myself
Life
Mind
" Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse. "
Groucho Marx
Buying
Hay
Horse
" She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon. "
Groucho Marx
Her
Looks
She
" I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. "
Groucho Marx
Doctor
Feeling
Golf
" Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. "
Groucho Marx
Who
Women
Missing
" I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. "
Groucho Marx
Evening
Wonderful
Had
" I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30. "
Groucho Marx
Started
America
Television
" Go, and never darken my towels again. "
Groucho Marx
Towels
Again
Go
" Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. "
Groucho Marx
Intelligence
Military
Contradiction
" I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. "
Groucho Marx
Refuse
Club
Funny
" I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining. "
Groucho Marx
Leaving
Weather
Raining
" If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again. "
Groucho Marx
Like
Me
Stop
" Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me? "
Groucho Marx
Should
Done
Care
" From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it. "
Groucho Marx
Reading
Book
Down
" In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom. "
Groucho Marx
Keep
Hollywood
Away
" I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it. "
Groucho Marx
Today
Power
Me
" Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it. "
Groucho Marx
Run
Find
Understand
" Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does. "
Groucho Marx
Does
Politics
Strange
" Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy. "
Groucho Marx
Poor
Whoever
Named