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" Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you. "
Groucho Marx
I See
Time
You
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" Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes? "
Groucho Marx
Own
Eyes
Me
" I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty. "
Groucho Marx
Up
Nothing
Extreme
" It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy. "
Groucho Marx
City
Relatives
Unhappy
" Women should be obscene and not heard. "
Groucho Marx
Obscene
Heard
Women
" Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution? "
Groucho Marx
Live
Who
Wants
" Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. "
Groucho Marx
Who
Women
Missing
" I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. "
Groucho Marx
Jury
Wedding
Judge
" If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again. "
Groucho Marx
Like
Me
Stop
" I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. "
Groucho Marx
Room
Go
Time
" Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others. "
Groucho Marx
Like
Others
Principles
" Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. "
Groucho Marx
Best Friend
Book
Dog
" If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you. "
Groucho Marx
You
Closer
Held
" My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one. "
Groucho Marx
Children
Anything
She
" Humor is reason gone mad. "
Groucho Marx
Humor
Reason
Mad
" I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. "
Groucho Marx
Refuse
Club
Funny
" I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt. "
Groucho Marx
Sex
First
First Time
" I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. "
Groucho Marx
Face
Never Forget
Never
" I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining. "
Groucho Marx
Leaving
Weather
Raining
" From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it. "
Groucho Marx
Reading
Book
Down
" I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. "
Groucho Marx
Had
Evening
Perfectly
" She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon. "
Groucho Marx
Her
Looks
She
" I intend to live forever, or die trying. "
Groucho Marx
Death
Trying
Forever
" The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. "
Groucho Marx
Fair
Life
Secret
" Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does. "
Groucho Marx
Write
Book
Half
" In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom. "
Groucho Marx
Keep
Hollywood
Away
" I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up. "
Groucho Marx
Like
Up
Then
" Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does. "
Groucho Marx
Does
Politics
Strange
" Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted. "
Groucho Marx
Saying
Communication
Me
" I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member. "
Groucho Marx
Organization
Belong
Would
" Marry me and I'll never look at another horse! "
Groucho Marx
Me
Marry
Never