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" I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty. "

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" I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it. "

" From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it. "

" Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted. "

" I intend to live forever, or die trying. "

" In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom. "

" I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30. "

" Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. "

" If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you. "

" Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. "

" One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know. "

" A man's only as old as the woman he feels. "

" A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running. "

" I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up. "

" I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. "

" I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt. "

" Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes? "

" Room service? Send up a larger room. "

" I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. "

" Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does. "

" It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy. "

" Go, and never darken my towels again. "

" Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution? "

" Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it. "

" Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse. "

" I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member. "

" I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining. "

" Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. "

" I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book. "

" Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know. "

" Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies. "