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" I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. "
" I'm getting married because I'm in love with a girl and want to spend my life with her. You can't live your life doing what other people want you to or you'll be miserable. At some point you just have to be yourself. "
" A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere. "
" Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know. "
" Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others. "
" I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it. "
" A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. "
" Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. "
" One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know. "
" My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something. "
" Falling in love was the easy part; planning a wedding - yikes! "
Falling In Love
" From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it. "
" I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. "
" I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty. "
" It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy. "
" Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse. "
" I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30. "
" I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member. "
" Go, and never darken my towels again. "
" Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes? "
" I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. "
" There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook. "
" I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. "
" I intend to live forever, or die trying. "
" Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him. "
" A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running. "
" Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it. "
" I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining. "
" Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy. "
" If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you. "
" Humor is reason gone mad. "