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" I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. "
Groucho Marx
Jury
Wedding
Judge
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" I'm getting married because I'm in love with a girl and want to spend my life with her. You can't live your life doing what other people want you to or you'll be miserable. At some point you just have to be yourself. "
Dan Marino
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Girl
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" A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere. "
Groucho Marx
Animal
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Cat
" Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know. "
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Know
You
Art
" Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others. "
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Like
Others
Principles
" I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it. "
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Today
Power
Me
" A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. "
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Someone
Send
Funny
" Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. "
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Best Friend
Book
Dog
" One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know. "
Groucho Marx
Never
Morning
Elephant
" My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something. "
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Thirty
Days
You
" Falling in love was the easy part; planning a wedding - yikes! "
Niecy Nash
Falling In Love
Love
Wedding
" From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it. "
Groucho Marx
Reading
Book
Down
" I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. "
Groucho Marx
Had
Evening
Perfectly
" I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty. "
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Up
Nothing
Extreme
" It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy. "
Groucho Marx
City
Relatives
Unhappy
" Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse. "
Groucho Marx
Horse
Why
You
" I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30. "
Groucho Marx
Started
America
Television
" I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member. "
Groucho Marx
Organization
Belong
Would
" Go, and never darken my towels again. "
Groucho Marx
Towels
Again
Go
" Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes? "
Groucho Marx
Own
Eyes
Me
" I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. "
Groucho Marx
Room
Go
Time
" There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook. "
Groucho Marx
You
Way
Find
" I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. "
Groucho Marx
Face
Never Forget
Never
" I intend to live forever, or die trying. "
Groucho Marx
Death
Trying
Forever
" Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him. "
Groucho Marx
Man
Own
Women
" A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running. "
Groucho Marx
Bed
Medical
Taxi
" Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it. "
Groucho Marx
Run
Find
Understand
" I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining. "
Groucho Marx
Leaving
Weather
Raining
" Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy. "
Groucho Marx
Poor
Whoever
Named
" If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you. "
Groucho Marx
You
Closer
Held
" Humor is reason gone mad. "
Groucho Marx
Humor
Reason
Mad