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" One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know. "

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" Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse. "

" All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats. "

" I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt. "

" I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. "

" Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him. "

" From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it. "

" I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member. "

" Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution? "

" I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. "

" I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. "

" I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty. "

" A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke. "

" I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. "

" Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife. "

" The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths. "

" If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you. "

" A man's only as old as the woman he feels. "

" Room service? Send up a larger room. "

" Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. "

" Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. "

" Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me? "

" Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member. "

" A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running. "

" I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. "

" Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. "

" I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. "

" I intend to live forever, or die trying. "

" Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know. "

" Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted. "

" It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy. "