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" A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere. "

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" I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member. "

" I intend to live forever, or die trying. "

" Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy. "

" All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats. "

" Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member. "

" Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. "

" I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. "

" A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke. "

" Humor is reason gone mad. "

" Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know. "

" The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. "

" Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him. "

" Women should be obscene and not heard. "

" If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again. "

" I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining. "

" Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough. "

" Room service? Send up a larger room. "

" Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse. "

" I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up. "

" Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you. "

" Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. "

" My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one. "

" Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others. "

" A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. "

" The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths. "

" I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members. "

" Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does. "

" I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. "

" Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it. "

" I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. "