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" I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members. "
Groucho Marx
Club
Me
People
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" I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt. "
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Sex
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" Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member. "
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Me
Resignation
Will
" Either he's dead or my watch has stopped. "
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Either
Dead
He
" Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. "
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Women
Missing
" It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy. "
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City
Relatives
Unhappy
" A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running. "
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Bed
Medical
Taxi
" My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one. "
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Children
Anything
She
" If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you. "
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You
Closer
Held
" Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough. "
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Long
Getting Older
You
" Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution? "
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Live
Who
Wants
" I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30. "
Groucho Marx
Started
America
Television
" I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up. "
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Like
Up
Then
" I must confess, I was born at a very early age. "
Groucho Marx
Born
Very
I Was Born
" Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy. "
Groucho Marx
Poor
Whoever
Named
" Humor is reason gone mad. "
Groucho Marx
Humor
Reason
Mad
" Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does. "
Groucho Marx
Does
Politics
Strange
" A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. "
Groucho Marx
Someone
Send
Funny
" Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife. "
Groucho Marx
Her
Successful
Man
" The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths. "
Groucho Marx
Myself
Life
Mind
" Go, and never darken my towels again. "
Groucho Marx
Towels
Again
Go
" Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes? "
Groucho Marx
Own
Eyes
Me
" The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. "
Groucho Marx
Fair
Life
Secret
" I intend to live forever, or die trying. "
Groucho Marx
Death
Trying
Forever
" Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough. "
Groucho Marx
Enough
Dance
Wives
" Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted. "
Groucho Marx
Saying
Communication
Me
" From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it. "
Groucho Marx
Reading
Book
Down
" I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it. "
Groucho Marx
Mind
Club
You
" Room service? Send up a larger room. "
Groucho Marx
Up
Larger
Room
" She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon. "
Groucho Marx
Her
Looks
She
" There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook. "
Groucho Marx
You
Way
Find