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" I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining. "

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" A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke. "

" Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him. "

" I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. "

" I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it. "

" Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does. "

" I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. "

" Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does. "

" I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. "

" In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom. "

" Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. "

" If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you. "

" My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something. "

" If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again. "

" It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy. "

" Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me? "

" Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. "

" Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy. "

" I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. "

" I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book. "

" The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths. "

" Humor is reason gone mad. "

" She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon. "

" Before I speak, I have something important to say. "

" A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere. "

" My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one. "

" Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough. "

" From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it. "

" There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook. "

" All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats. "

" A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. "