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" Either he's dead or my watch has stopped. "

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" Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. "

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" Room service? Send up a larger room. "

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" One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know. "

" Humor is reason gone mad. "

" Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted. "

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" A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. "

" I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty. "

" I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. "

" Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. "

" I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it. "

" I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. "

" I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members. "

" Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough. "

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" Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you. "

" No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early. "

" She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon. "

" If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again. "

" From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it. "

" It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy. "

" I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up. "

" I intend to live forever, or die trying. "

" I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. "