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" If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you. "
Groucho Marx
You
Closer
Held
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" The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths. "
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" A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere. "
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" I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members. "
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" A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke. "
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" Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him. "
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" One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know. "
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" I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty. "
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" Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife. "
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" Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies. "
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" Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. "
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" I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it. "
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" A man's only as old as the woman he feels. "
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" Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know. "
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" I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. "
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" All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats. "
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" Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does. "
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" I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it. "
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" I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. "
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" The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. "
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Fair
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" Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member. "
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" Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse. "
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" I intend to live forever, or die trying. "
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Death
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" Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough. "
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" I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it. "
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" Humor is reason gone mad. "
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" I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. "
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Face
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" A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. "
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" Either he's dead or my watch has stopped. "
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" My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something. "
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