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" I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically. "

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" I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. "

" Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. "

" I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom. "

" I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose. "

" If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer? "

" If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know? "

" Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!' "

" How young can you die of old age? "

" I invented the cordless extension cord. "

" When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules? "

" I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, 'You were a good boy onstage and you did your show, so now you can have some cake and ice cream.' "

" I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it. "

" I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter. "

" I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out. "

" Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night. "

" In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number. "

" When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction. "

" I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator. "

" It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and you think, 'What the hell am I doing?' "

" Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram. "

" Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh. "

" I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything. "

" I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage. "

" I like to reminisce with people I don't know. "

" I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now. "

" If God dropped acid, would he see people? "

" I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me. "

" It usually helps me write by reading - somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear. "

" In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you'd get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it's hard work, almost harder once you're successful because you've got to maintain it. "