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" I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious! "
" Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. "
" When I die, I'm gonna leave my body to science fiction. "
" Hermits have no peer pressure. "
" I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am. "
" It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature. "
" I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head. "
" It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules. "
" I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there. "
" On the other hand, you have different fingers. "
" When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them. "
" I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out. "
" My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. "
" I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it. "
" Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time... I think I’ve forgotten this before. "
" When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.' "
" I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me. "
" I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy. "
" How young can you die of old age? "
" I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it; it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual. "
" I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things. "
" Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. "
" Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.' "
" I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific. "
" I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the 'Boston Phoenix,' and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that's where I first saw 'deadpan.' "
" If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back? "
" I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends. "
" I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. "
" Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. "
" My mother is from another time - the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that's what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn't know what I'm talking about. I know if I wasn't her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going. "
" I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, 'You were a good boy onstage and you did your show, so now you can have some cake and ice cream.' "