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" My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. "

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" I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car. "

" When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.' "

" Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big deal... 'Oh, no, here comes the bus. Where am I gonna sit on the bus?' "

" It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet. "

" Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff. "

" I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography. "

" Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home. "

" Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at. "

" One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him. "

" I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost. "

" Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen. "

" Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. "

" The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing. "

" I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out. "

" I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the 'Boston Phoenix,' and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that's where I first saw 'deadpan.' "

" I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add. "

" It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules. "

" I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am. "

" I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific. "

" I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends. "

" I haven't changed at all. I'm the same as when I was 11. "

" I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it. "

" Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. "

" Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.' "

" It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature. "

" My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.' "

" I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving. "

" I'm addicted to placebos. "

" I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I'm not on the road. There's this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don't know anything about me. "

" So, do you live around here often? "