Get QuoteDark Inspirational Quotes App

" It usually helps me write by reading - somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear. "

Related Quotes:

" I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out. "

" I haven't changed at all. I'm the same as when I was 11. "

" People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do. "

" I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. "

" My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out. "

" It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature. "

Make A Difference

" I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It's absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I'm okay. It's like I'm out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me. "

" Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram. "

" You can't have everything. Where would you put it? "

" What's another word for Thesaurus? "

" Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. "

" I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head. "

" I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out. "

" A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. "

" Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it. "

" I invented the cordless extension cord. "

" In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you'd get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it's hard work, almost harder once you're successful because you've got to maintain it. "

" I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things. "

" I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add. "

" If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. "

" If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? "

" For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. "

" Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. "

" If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny. "

" Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. "

" I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because then it's serious business. "

" I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it; it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual. "

" My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere. "

" Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written. "

" If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke? "