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" If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you. "

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" If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses. "

" What's another word for Thesaurus? "

" My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage. "

" I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom. "

" It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature. "

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" It's very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that's not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It's a gut feeling. "

" The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing. "

" I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator. "

" I thought I would be a guy on the radio. "

" Hermits have no peer pressure. "

" On the other hand, you have different fingers. "

" The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me. "

" There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators. "

" I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. "

" They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic. "

" Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn't seem right. "

" I'm addicted to placebos. "

" I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don't. "

" I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list. "

" I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be. "

" I'm going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia. "

" There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person. "

" I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald's. I'm completely turned off by the idea of politics. "

" I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there. "

" I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. "

" I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. "

" I invented the cordless extension cord. "

" I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy. "

" My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. "

" I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. "