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" My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out. "

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" I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose. "

" I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography. "

" George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk. "

" I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. "

" When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules? "

" I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am. "

" I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving. "

" Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written. "

" When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually. "

" I'm addicted to placebos. "

" Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it. "

" Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at. "

" I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter. "

" When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction. "

" On the other hand, you have different fingers. "

" When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them. "

" I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be. "

" What a nice night for an evening. "

" I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically. "

" When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?' "

" There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. "

" Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big deal... 'Oh, no, here comes the bus. Where am I gonna sit on the bus?' "

" OK, so what's the speed of dark? "

" If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too? "

" Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh. "

" If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back? "

" I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom. "

" I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car. "

" Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. "

" I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.' "