Home
Authors
Tags
App
Get QuoteDark Inspirational Quotes App
" My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out. "
Steven Wright
Circular
Get
He
Related Quotes:
" I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose. "
Steven Wright
Children
Books
Purpose
" I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography. "
Steven Wright
Writing
Autobiography
" George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk. "
Steven Wright
Bridge
You
Talk
" I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. "
Steven Wright
Now
Gone
Dog
" When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules? "
Steven Wright
Kid
You
Train
" I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am. "
Steven Wright
Face
School
Teacher
" I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving. "
Steven Wright
Only
Lights
Like
" Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written. "
Steven Wright
Guy
Off
Talk
" When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually. "
Steven Wright
Little
Only
Sand
" I'm addicted to placebos. "
Steven Wright
Addicted
" Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it. "
Steven Wright
Ever
Get
Press
" Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at. "
Steven Wright
Jokes
Will
Predict
" I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter. "
Steven Wright
Last Night
Night
Old
" When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction. "
Steven Wright
Body
Death
Die
" On the other hand, you have different fingers. "
Steven Wright
Other
Different
Fingers
" When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them. "
Steven Wright
Me
Pet
Snakes
" I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be. "
Steven Wright
Imagination
Thought
Feeling
" What a nice night for an evening. "
Steven Wright
Evening
Night
Nice
" I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically. "
Steven Wright
Anything
Buy
General
" When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?' "
Steven Wright
Canada
You
Well
" There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. "
Steven Wright
Shore
Standing
Fishing
" Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big deal... 'Oh, no, here comes the bus. Where am I gonna sit on the bus?' "
Steven Wright
Childhood
Everything
Wrong
" OK, so what's the speed of dark? "
Steven Wright
Speed
Dark
OK
" If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too? "
Steven Wright
Too
Swimmer
Rest
" Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh. "
Steven Wright
Become
Laugh
People
" If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back? "
Steven Wright
Wave
Heat
You
" I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom. "
Steven Wright
Classroom
Friends
Laugh
" I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car. "
Steven Wright
Car
He
Funeral
" Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. "
Steven Wright
Suspect
Curiosity
While
" I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.' "
Steven Wright
Happy
Singing
Birthday