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" Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh. "

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" I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically. "

" I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out. "

" It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and you think, 'What the hell am I doing?' "

" If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know? "

" If God dropped acid, would he see people? "

" If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer? "

" I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them. "

" OK, so what's the speed of dark? "

" When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction. "

" The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is. "

" I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke. "

" When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules? "

" I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list. "

" I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.' "

" When I die, I'm gonna leave my body to science fiction. "

Science Fiction

" I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out. "

" What a nice night for an evening. "

" Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.' "

" I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy. "

" Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. "

" I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it; it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual. "

" My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out. "

" Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big deal... 'Oh, no, here comes the bus. Where am I gonna sit on the bus?' "

" I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. "

" Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous. "

" If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey? "

" There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. "

" I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it. "

" In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number. "

" When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.' "