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" Go, and never darken my towels again. "

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" She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon. "

" A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running. "

" Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. "

" Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse. "

" Women should be obscene and not heard. "

" A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. "

" Either he's dead or my watch has stopped. "

" Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. "

" The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. "

" Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member. "

" Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife. "

" All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats. "

" Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough. "

" Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough. "

" I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract. "

" The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths. "

" From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it. "

" I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book. "

" Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse. "

" Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies. "

" Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me? "

" I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. "

" Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know. "

" I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30. "

" I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. "

" There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook. "

" Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. "

" I must confess, I was born at a very early age. "

" I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining. "

" Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it. "