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" A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running. "
" The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. "
" It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy. "
" A physician is not angry at the intemperance of a mad patient, nor does he take it ill to be railed at by a man in fever. Just so should a wise man treat all mankind, as a physician does his patient, and look upon them only as sick and extravagant. "
Lucius Annaeus Seneca
" I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract. "
" I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. "
" Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse. "
" I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. "
" A man's only as old as the woman he feels. "
" Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. "
" Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies. "
" One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know. "
" Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough. "
" There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook. "
" I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt. "
" Go, and never darken my towels again. "
" Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. "
" Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me? "
" Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it. "
" In strictly medical terms, there's no difference between HIV and diabetes; they're not curable, but they're very, very highly treatable, and early information is power. The only thing - literally the only thing - that is different is the stigma. And we have to overcome it, because it is now the only reason people are dying. "
" Either he's dead or my watch has stopped. "
" She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon. "
" Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy. "
" Marry me and I'll never look at another horse! "
" I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it. "
" My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something. "
" Before I speak, I have something important to say. "
" I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. "
" In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom. "
" A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere. "
" I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member. "