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" Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy. "

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" Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. "

" Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted. "

" Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. "

" I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30. "

" Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife. "

" I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. "

" Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does. "

" I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. "

" The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths. "

" I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. "

" A man's only as old as the woman he feels. "

" I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members. "

" She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon. "

" Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse. "

" I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up. "

" A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere. "

" Go, and never darken my towels again. "

" Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution? "

" If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you. "

" The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. "

" No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early. "

" My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something. "

" It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy. "

" There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook. "

" Women should be obscene and not heard. "

" Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes? "

" Humor is reason gone mad. "

" I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. "

" I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract. "

" Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse. "