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" I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it. "

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" I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member. "

" Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy. "

" Go, and never darken my towels again. "

" My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something. "

" There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook. "

" Women should be obscene and not heard. "

" Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes? "

" I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30. "

" The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths. "

" Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse. "

" Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies. "

" I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members. "

" If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you. "

" Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted. "

" If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again. "

" I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. "

" I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. "

" Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough. "

" I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. "

" From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it. "

" I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract. "

" One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know. "

" I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining. "

" It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy. "

" Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. "

" The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. "

" My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one. "

" I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book. "

" Either he's dead or my watch has stopped. "

" I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty. "